It snowed last night :D
Looks lovely this morning :)

december 14th, 2003

12:10am canadaina

I;m sorry I can;t do this anymore. I've tried to think and maybe even lied to myself into believing that i could but i just can;t anymore...i'm not strong enough and not experienced at all.I tell myself just friends but who am i kidding...when ur not there i die inside...when ur here and don;t talk i burn up in fury and uncertainty...and while writing this i'm sheding tears which if mom saw would ban me from this room itself for my entire life. I can't do this anymore...i can't tell myself that i can bear it...because i realize that i can;t. The plain smiles i get in reply agitate and frustrate me to no extent...ur not a perfect image of anythign but i have made u that because for me you are. I'm going to go into hiding...seclusion u can call it...i know taht if i don;t see you then slowly i won;t care to talk anymore it won't distrub me anymore when ur too busy for me...and i won;t think taht maybe maybe someday my prince will come out from within ur stoned heart :( theres no room for me...and i keep knocking myself into a wall and now i;ve started to bleed....my blood scares me...its awakened me to some extent from the drowsy but beautiful state that had imobilized me that had enchanted thought from my mind. I'll go away and when i come back i won;t feel the same anymore...i won;t at all...i won;t believe in fairy stories anymore...i'll live in the real world instead of the one i have created for mysellf...and i will laugh again :) laugh with not a care in the world...laugh with no fear that if the reason for laughter is gone taht my tears will come...nothing will bind my laugh except myself. I shall control myself...u shall not...i can;t give u that right anymore...i;ve seen my blood...i feel the pain...before i go unconcsious and fall back into the same phase...i want to leave...i know theres no use saying miss me not...for u shall not...i don;t hold any such false beliefs anymore...hope ur happy where u are...and someday i;ll come back...an there won;t be anything there anymore....but i shall be happier then...and u won;t have to tread softly around me anymore...i dont want ur pity...just the friends well wishes..i'll come back...now i need to escape...to go and recover from a wound i thought had healed...i will be fine :)



i should have said this ....but i didn;t :) i guess i was too afraid...or maybe i just wished for no binding words to be spoken..help me...

hmm too late I already said them.

hmmmm...distance shall be the cure :)

sighs...the daily trials and tribulations of a little girl called aisha.
She does know how to make a smashing cup of tea. An aunty had her tea once who doesn't take sugar and she said make me another cup that was good. I think theres sweetness in your hands :$ hehe awww how shweet.

sighs..there was no milk today so had to use the powdered variety. Just looking at it reminded her of NIDO :D yumm yummm. So while microwaving the teabag and water she gobbles down a lot of the powdered milk...teaspoon in powder....scoop...pour into hand...lick it up khekeh :D even has the powdered mustache to proove it. Put it into the tea added a bit more...and just a little bit more...and just the last spoonful. Had to microwave it again :( come back with half a cup of tea the other half resting in the microwave. That doesn't usually happen..kasam say!!

sighss..5 minutes for half a cup of tea but hey the powdered nostaligic treat made up for it :)

EUREKA :D

hmmm thats copyrighted most probably...OYEHOYEEEEE!! ;)

I believe to have discovered the cure to hmm fever i believe it is or just any phsyical illness :) Lots of good bed rest :D simple and practical and always works!! Should have thought of that before but ..well this revealation was meant to come now and so it has :) slept through most of today and me body is thanking me for it :)

Now that my fever has subsided have this enormous craving for chocolate...galaxy...flake...ferreo rocher..ummm yummm oooo ;)

Its at times like this that I need you most.

I pray for you with all my might. When the world seems to be crumbling before my eyes. When I sense my falling, my being pushed and pinched and slaped with thoughts that might lead to my helplessness, this is when I need you most. I pray for you to come to my aid.To shower me with love and let your strength surround me. To cloak me from all dangers and just by being you make everything perfect. Why do I think you can make everything alright, why do i trust you soo? Maybe you because you are and will be the answer to all my dreams. When adults act as children, when i fear loneliness, when i scare myself, when the world seems too cruel, I need you. I need you to be here to wipe my tears away and to laugh at my childishness. To say yeh bhi koi baat hai chanda and with a snap of your fingers make everything okay...to take me away. I need you at times like these when i feel like losing myself, when i start to fear life, when i'm on the brink of falling I need you then, here with me. If I pray for you on this 29th night of Ramadan will you come? Will you materialize? will you take my hand on this dark cold lonely night will you when i need you most?

(written in the darkness of the 23rd night of november..or the 29th night of ramadan)

pataye =)

When fall comes they're breathtaking. The sweetness and freshness in their...achoo...colours makes you at times feel all good inside. Dunno why but always makes me feel happy...and the expression I get is of a cat with a milk mustache all happy..mano bili :D

Ajj ki dhoop bohut dhoka dethi hai. On my way to uni I feel its comfort....but you see its all a lie.Why else would i be all coated muffled and booted up....step outside and you'll see what I mean. Its freezing outside and yet....its sunny :) another of lifes ironies.

*I want a nose studd :(*

While I had been waiting for the bus I saw the leaves fly. :D defiantly fly as the wind pushed them this way and the other.

hmmm...wind :) not earth, fire, nor water ..but wind. You see thats supposed to be my sign. Main bhi hawa ki tarha houn I guess. Kabhi idher aur dosray pal udher . No one can ever capture wind ...its too high spirited you see...and if anyone does try to engulf it..it dies out....in trying to keep it one kills it.

There seem to be two extremes to it...either enlightened and greatly ecstatic or extremely sad and in anguish.

It helps people meet you know...think about it ;) how many peoples hearts have been blown away to another bus jub halki si hawa chali ho :)

Mager pata nahi kyoun mujhko hawa ki zindagi par kabhi dhuk hota hai. Subko woh khush karthi...idher say udher kar dethi ...mager has it ever found anyone. It makes lovers meet, takes leaves flying all together but it can never be captured...and so it can never be someones and as such no one can ever be totally the winds...sub do pal keh musafir ussay chor jataye hain :).....When it flies through small cracks searching in vain for someone to call its own...to love...it howls in sorrow...when all the leaven have gone and it has no one to play with on a lonly cold winter night...it weeps for someone...anyone.

Hawa rothi hai, mager main muskarathi houn...kyoun keh woh anjaan hai keh uske pass koi hai aur woh bhi kissi ki hai. hawa ki khushi aur khusboo mere dil main. un andheri raatoun main jub woh rothi main muskarathi...kitini nasamaj hai hawa...main aur woh aik hi to hain...palgi hawa..meethi si :)

subha subha ki baarish...bohut meethi hoti hai :)

Saw this absolutely darling of a little girl on the bus today. Deep sweet eyes a miniscule doll-like nose and the mouth, jaisay Allah ne bohut ehtayat say banaya ho.

hahaha :D shes looking at me right now, probably wondering what bari baji is writing .

She comes on the bus with her engulfing faux fur coat...if not taht which took my heart it must have been the deilcate way she wiped chocolates smears from around her mouth :)

The hair cut hahahha *muaaa*. I probably looked like that in my childhood, bangs and all.

May Allah bless this little girl with strength and courage because today thats what all little girls need. Strength to not be let down by all of lifes tests and cruel turns, and the courage to speak her mind and ask for what she wishes.

awww...pakistani buchi hai :D ...ammi ko kethi hai green wala keh pupuul wala (((hugs)))

Allah mian is bachi ko dheeer sari khushiyan deh...aur ager anso ussay milain to koi na koi suchay dil walay ho unko mitanaye keh liye...ameen.

But most of all may all mothers have the khushkismati of dressing up their own such gurya...of holding her little hand...listening to her pour her heart out about little shehzada stories...and of one day having the courage to send her chanda to her real home :).....

awww bachi school ja rahi hai ....may kamrani be at her every step.

Ramadan mubarak :)

Today was my first fast. I believe it went good except for the fact that i could have restrained by tongue much better. On the way too uni was acting like a kid again and walking only on the strip of the sidewalk which in my case was made up of wood and wet wood at that so ofcourse gravity had to pull me down when my boot couldn't grip onto the wood. Aieee hoyi. grrr when i was praying it hurt a lot but now that i actually looked at it...its ugly...the skin has been totally displaced ..hmm whatever it happens.

Hate complaining but something is wrong...should go for a checkup but too lazy to go..wait thats my excuse for everything :s great now i don't even have a vaild excuse for myself anymore :p....I guess me fear doctors...that can be the only reason. Thing is i think i dress warm enough :S jeans logn sleeved shirt a coat and muffler...and anyway stay inside most of the day at uni anyway but somehow when i get back home then around 6 or 7 i get a fever my face burns up and heartbeat goes wack. But then thats nothing...look at all the kids who don't get enough to eat...look at how sick they are just because they don't get vital stuff...me being nashukri :) may Allah bless everyone with good health and peace of mind.

hmmm odd feeling....hands stone cold and face burning up...is it a fever?...again??

a bad mood a sad face it can all the averted if the right words come :) but sometimes that just doesn't happen and in response to something u wish to come that does not...the mood darkens more. And that is why its wrong to expect from others...not unless you know them..good enough...well enough and likewise :) no one can control anothers actions unless they are given the right to...if I know that my saying something will truly change anothers decision then ofcourse I shall be more then happy to use the words...but if my saying anything does not matter...then what right do i have to say anything at all :) its all a matter of choice...and no one has given me the choice to choose for them...but sometimes it doesn't work both ways...hmm...its raining again today :D hehe...hmm i want mehndi :( but i couldn't get it...wana cover up me lines so i can make my own destiny but more of the fact that it'll make me feel good :) but nope...no one to do it for me...khair...theres always tomorow...me won't cry over no mehndi :) meri kismat main ajj nahi thi...to na sahi :D ....it looks heavenly outside :) the trees are green and orange and red and yellow ....and not just one color but shades weaving in and out...of only it weren't raining i would go sit and look at reflections in my lake...but for the meanwhile why don't i try to write down the lyrics to this one song i've been listening to over and over and over again :D....

abbas ali khan

TUM AJAO

woh aisa kabhi
hoa nahi
keh tum mere jewan main ao
woh phool tum tu ajao
mere angaun main tum khil jao
ulfat keh in rastoun par
tum bhi chalo
jalta houn mani jiss aag main
tum bhi jalo

taroun ki baaratain
sawaun ki barsatain
milne tum ajao
dil main sama jao
taroun ki baaratain
sawaun ki barsatain
milne tum ajao
dil main sama jao

yeh zameen
yeh asmaan
hain kuch nahi tere bina
bahar bhi ho jaye khizan
jo tum nahi ho darmyan
bhar do tum mere dil keh saray yeh zakhum
gur tum mere jewan main aoo to kya hai ghum
hooooooooooo

taroun ki baaratain
sawun ki barsaatain
milne tum ajaoo
dil main sama jao

taroun ki baaratain
sawun ki barsatain
milne tum ajao
dil main sama jaoo

ooooooo ulfat keh in rasstoun par tum bhi chalo
jalta houn main jis aag main ..tum bhi jaloo
hooooo ooooo hooooooooo

taroun ki baaraatin
sawaun ki barsaatain
milne tum ajaoo
dil main sama jaooooooo

taroun ki baaaaaratain
swaun ki barsatain
milne tum ajaooooo
dil main sama jaoooo

:) awwwwwwww the weather is hmm lovely :D... it had gotten warm again a while back but now its true in its fall colours :) absolutely stunning..hahaha :D raat din hoyeeee...in weather like this...it brings the sweetness in everyone out...it has too...there has to be some relation between bodily happiness to emotional and mental joy :D wait...that didn't sound right...hmm i guess what i meant was the feel of a cool wind blowing ur hair....the sweetness engulfing you hmm the colours tantalizing ur senses ...u just feel like lying on a grassy hill and looking into the heavans..haha this is what you call frisbee weather :D since the weather is soo great...its easier to study as well :p and that i have to do quite a bit of three midterms coming up this week..there goes my thanksgiving pshhh...ooooo but ramadan is coming up so i'll be looking forward to that...hmmm everything is good....very very good..ahhhhhhhhhhhhh all i need nowww...is entity pardigm busssss meri aik hi wish...is waqt ki :D ooooooo ooooooooo oooooooo!!

Aisa pehli baar hoa hai. Itni khayaloun main kho gayi keh bus kub ayi pata hi nahi chala. Kuch to hogaya hai aur jo bhi hai...acha nahi. Usdin bhi hospice jate hoye apne dehaan main kho gayi thi na. Ab aisa nahi karna. Abb to seekh jana chahiye issay pehle keh such main kam say jaoun...usdin kissi ki annay ki khabar na hoyi, ajj bus ki...aur kal maut chum kar guzray gi aur main apne hi dehaan main idher say udher chali jaoungi. Na koi khaber na koi pata.

Abb phir say iska pata badalana hoga/ Abb aisay khayal ataye keh jitne kum log janain utna behtar =) aur na hi main Unko likh sakthi ...abhi say hi pareshani banay ka shauk nahi hai mujhe...na koi raazdaaan hai...na koi humsafar hai...jaltah hai mera dil...nahi..mera dil jaltha nahi. Pata nahi kyoun log janle say hi tashbeeh dete. Aisa mere saath to nahi hota...mera dil too doobta hai...koi chinta mainoun anderoun anderoun khaye...thats what it is....ander say hi doobna...dil onncha asmaan ko chootay aik dive main gayaa...aur jaisay jism abhi upper hi mager ander say sub kuch girtha hoa....aik aisi khayi main jiski koi haadh nahi...aisa dar...keh kahain to pohunch jaoun...kuch to samaj aye...cho hi sahi lagaye...mager koi to jawab milaye....

......aik sawal sa......

Its two in the morning and I just can not sleep :) Sleeping through the day is one thing I shall remember not to do again...it takes away my dreams at night...a very agitating feeling I must say!

addat ko majboori na banao...
addat ko majboori na banao..
addat ko majboori....oops...to late :)

This hopefully is my first and last post on the phenomena of love...its just too hard of a topic to discuss and I just feel as if at this point in life we could do without it :) ...hayeeeeen you might say haha...well I would cause here I'm just refering to that hmmm dreamlike love state...not the love you have for God or your parents or friends but that which makes you think you can fly :) Sweet in its own sense but hey its a distraction...I just wanted to record my dreams here...maybe someday I'll come back and see what childish dreams I had...how they can never be true...but for the moment for the time...let me dream :)

I don't believe in going upto anyone and saying the three words...that would just be too little...and would not mean anything. The day I shall say anything will be as a response ...then everything will come out. Yes I do believe in tradition..and yes like any normal sane gal I do believe in my knight in shining armor...what can I say all those movies have gotten to me as well...all those books have shown me dreams as well..will these dreams get in the way of my life...will my search for my shehzada be in vain? only time can tell... He'll come galloping on a horse...when the sun is about to rest and the moon is to rise in its beauty...the last rays of the sun shall shine on him...obscuring his face from me but making him appear larger then life..his hair..hahaha...why did majestic handsome knights have to have long hair :p makes you dream of him with it...but if he decides not to..I think i can live with it :)..He'll be on a sleek black stallion...wearing hmm a dark shirt with black leather?? hahaha nahh whatever he wears :) but there has to be a cape...a billowing cape which envelops him as he rides...he'll come eyes sparkling and and look down upon me...in an instant he'll be off his stallion and sitting infront of me :) and then he'll say....hmm well that is upto him But it shall be him saying the first word...professing his heart first...thori deer hogayi ...mager agaya :) it has to be long...and sweet...and his own words...no one elses shall do!! and he shall look expectantly...in one moment he shall lay his life in my hands " I give it to you" and i shall not make him suffer :) my eyes will show him..my smile shall prove it and then my words...have yet to think of what i shall say...or maybe the moment will make them spill out :) hmmmm...childish dreams...yes i do live in the 21st century..yes I am intelligent and free...and yet...such childish dreams...but he shall make them come true :)....and no more...not another word shall I utter of my knight...not another...Godspeed as they say ...may Allah be with u...come at your own time...I shall know it is you when u arrive...jo bhi hai...jub bhi aye...I'll look at the moon...and somewhere u shall be looking at the same moon...the same stars we shall wish upon....no more to say...I know who I am... but who are you... :)

amarbail :) I have no idea what the english word for this is but the meaning behind this is hmmm wicked :D...abbu had gotten a few books of afsanay of banu qudsia last time he came but i never got around to reading any of them. But then me thought i wana try ..and so picked up amarbail. Read the afsana in it of the same name and awwwww i think i did shed a tear :S khair happens! amarbail in laymans terms... a parastic plant...but that just ruins the image of everything ...I would much rather think of it as pretty plant born out of love and as it tries to attain it for itself it ends up hurting and killing...the same tree it tries to hug out of compassion it strangles to death...a slow death.

Banu Qudsias renderation of the tree is wonderous :D she uses the amarbail to describe a love that is infulfilable (don't look in a dictionary i made that word up)...and in being so it eats away at the person who wishes to possess it. Theres a story behind the flower hyacinth...it grows on an amarbail and it was formed when apollo cried over the death of hyacinth a beautiful boy...the boy was a victim of everyones "love" and if one person couldn't have him then no one could...and no one did....and the plant named the same grows to produce the pretty flower shaped like two teardrops and everything it comes in contact with ends up dying.


The touch is scary...kinda like rogue...no one can come touch her and she can never really be happy because she ends up hurting anyone who tries. hmmmm....thoughts ghoom rahaye but i just can't express what I wana share :) so till I find enough words to be able to give a frame to my thoughts I'll leave with banu qudsias words :) I really recommend this story and everything esle by her as well...she has a way of saying stuff that makes u wonder...can words actually be so beautiful :D

"muhabbat ki amarbel main hamesha hyacinth kay phool lagthay hain. "

"hyacinth pachtaway ka phool hai. muhabbat ka madfun hai. is say judai ki khushbo athi hai. is main tamanaoun ka laho jhulmulata hai. is ki har pankhaRi par likha hota hai afsoos...sada afsoos...is ki ankhoun say do chotay say aanso chilmilatay hoye mujhe par aan giray."

"mere ird gird amarbail chaRh chuki hai. main tumhara qarz loTa raha houn. holay holay...aanso ba aanso...aaw dar aaw."

har aur jeet ka faisla akhir tuk hi chor dena chahiye :)

:) she remember my smile.
I had a haircut...look like a 6 yr old instead of a 15 year old...whereas i am 20 :p
A client at the hospice says I remember you , I've met you...have you had a haircut ? I say yes :D she replies....i rememberd ur smile :) not my eyes not my nose not the dimple in my chin....she remembered my smile :)....i feel good.

jubsay maine dekhaa tujhe
phir chain aya nahi...

zindagi hai tere baghair har ghari ajnabhi

jubsay maine dekha tujhe
phir main soyi nahi...

zindagi hai tere baghair har ghari ajnabhi

yeh hawa badaban say kahaye..har taraf hai toofan...rookay kaun adnhi ko roye khudh jub asmaan...asmaan

jubsay maine dekha tujhee :)
phir chain aya nahii...

ajnabhii ajnabhii... :)

Vital signs :)

Had never really paid much attention to the name of the band but now...the name itself seems to possess such great meaning. This was the true paki pop beginnings...and even today when i hear some songs sounding like them me fall back in love with the roots. Its different and it just stays with you :) maybe thats the beauty of ur age of ur time....everything has a time and when it comes at the right time...it stays with u not matter how good or bad it is :) it was meant to be.

Most of the songs by them had great lyrics....the one i'm going over and over again nowadays is this specific one...one about fear...and uncertainty...again two very horrible but here to stay vices of the not so smart human race.Everything is different from a different perspecitve...at times fear is good...cause its whats keeps u alive...at times uncertainty is good because it prevents u from some mistakes...but both these things hold you back....in truth u don't hold back..u fall in...you can fly without wings...because u know u can....having the belief of someting is half of bring something to life :) but hold back we all shall...moments and chances we all shall miss ...and then regrets.I think i can i think i can...but do i believe that the other person can?? whenever a situation arises which involves more then u urself...troubles begin...then fear comes in ..then uncertainty plays a role....GOd is the only almighty being whose being with us brings us no fear brings in us no uncertainty....then why oh why don't we do the right thing...and fall in love....pyaar....ishq Allah say kyoun nahi....why not?? when we know this is the right way and it will lead to our ultimage happiness why do we stray back to the common human??why do we depend upon others ...those who make mistakes...those who bring all these bad feeligns in u...why depend on them...hmm ...maybe because in them we see us :) in others we see ourselves...but when they don't see themselves in u...then...the pain begins...but fate brings irony...when in place of ur reflection u see someone elses....u don't recognize urself in someones eyes...and u back away...u give in to fear....u lose against uncertainty...


Sabhi namumkin …mumkin hoa…Aik tere mere milaan keh siwa…Chala houn bans yeh soch ke…Keh tere dil main hai koi doosraa….subhi namumkin mumkin hoaa…aik tere meree milaan keh siwaaa….chala hoa bus yeh soch kehhh ….keh tere dil main hai koi dosraa….jo rastha hi milaa….who tere hi ghar ka tha…aur faasalaa…teri nazer keh siwa kuch bhi na thaa…jo meri chahat say kum na hoaa..sub dostoun ne kaha…keh kabhi nahi dil pai khaboun keh door..dil hamara mager kyoun na….keh tere siwa kuch bhi socha na tha….chala houn bus yeh soch keh…keh tere dil main hai koi dosraaa…keh tere dil main hai koi dosraa.

I've become samajhdar :) A lot of my friends have said that and maybe I have...its just that I don't really feel it. From today though me decide not to talk without thinking, alot of times thats gotten me into trouble :)

more importantly my discovery...it happened yesterday. My little kid was feeling not so well. Zari was kinda slow in moving and all... i think she had a fever. Well I was sitting and studying and she comes upto me with her back to me and just stands there...she was expecting something and I was more then willing to oblige...taking her as she was back into my lap. She just lay there with her head on my arm. My brother tried to come and take her but she resisted. She just lay there for the longest time ever. Didn't care at all. hmmm...she was feeling tired and almost fell asleep but ofcourse my jungli bhais couldn;t stand that had to scare her so she clung tighter to me. When she was just lying in my lap all content her eyelashes would brush against my arm as she blinked. It was sweet :)

Thats what we all want and crave and desire. To be important. Thats why we try and proove ourselves. Its a totally different feeling to know that there is someone who will always turn to you first. No matter what. They will depend on you...and will give you preference over everyone else. Its this feeling that shows that you have truly lived :) when you know that your life has affected someone. That someone needs and wants you :) Its a nice feeling...and people have most probably fight for this achievement. Some misuse this power...it becomes more of a power struggle then...one to control people and not to just attain their love. A mother. A mother is the one person who achieves all this without trying at all. She has the love in her and this she gives out freely. such main a mother is a very high ruba :)

someone wants me...someone needs me...my life does have an affect...it is given meaning by those who come in contact with it :)

and do NOT DARE ANGER aisha!! got it!! warna ooo boy may Allah protect you from her wrath!!! ahhhhhhhhhh driving lessons have started up again...this time have a sikh uncle....u know what a word of advice...whatever desi...do not learn driving from them...unless he or she is a friend of ur level!! otherwise nooo desis...ur just forcing urself to commit murder...no good..no good at all!! yeah so started again...it took a long break befoer my previous lessons but oo boy yeh unsay bhi gaya guzra hai...awww bless my gora instructor from young drivers...he's taught me no one has!! ahhhhhhhhhhh...okay mister jiii....main aik muslim kuri houn...manioun bara shauk nai eh twaday nal guppaun maraun da!! idha eh matlab nahi aye keh tussi mainoun danto!! huh...aur hor thay hor...mainoun sust kehnda eh...meri maun nal meri shakayat!! ahhhhhhhh agli bar maa saath nahi laoun gi ;) phir dekhnaa...hotay dilwaoun gi...80 at 50 ;) phir kehna kuri sust hai keh nahi...muahahahhaha...!! aww man...really and truly...me tired of annoying drivers...i drive perfectly fine...understood...do not dare grab my wheel again...if u want the wheel u drive..tell me to stop understood...but keep those hands OFF my WHEEL!! huh...i drive good i do...he just wants me to start talking to him...which i have no shauk of doing! awww i just want my G2 man...and this instructor just makes me wana doo something baad and laugh an evil laugh muahahaahahaha!!!

muahahaha :D heheh scared u didn't I hahaha :D love doing that...ahun so had something to save here..its hmm just sweet and what though kinda overdone all these years is what most young adults go through...a question that if only could be answered without hurting anyone would make life just wonderful...wouldn't it be soo cool...if the one you loved ....loved you just as much back...but see that well hardly ever happens :) anyways enough of me...this is what someone wrote...donno who but me applaud em :D

I can see a thirst in her eyes and
feel the desires in her heart...
But still not sure is it love for me or
illusions of my heart...?

*sighs* hehehe...mellow mood now ;) bittersweetness...isn't it lovely :)

hey lo :)

hmm coming to make a very hard decision today. Was thinking hard about the actual benefits of having a blog. Tried a new template you see but it didn't seem to let me make any changes to it :( have to pay for that kinda stuff. Was also trying to read my archives and it wasn't working...well its rightly said that for everything you need a bit of money nowadays...actually i said that...there are a lot of things i say and then say that someone said it :p hehehe happens!! The other main factor was do i really want people to read my personal thoughts...i mean if this was entirely anonymous it would be the perfect thing :D but me and my big mouth...went around and told a few buddies of mine about it...and sometimes i need this place to write my deepest darkest secrets...and since those people know me...how well do you think a secret could be kept ;)...not very well...especially!!!...since one very very kind hearted guy writes..something like...its the good girls that keep diaries..the bad girls don;t have the time!!! ahhhhh compliment yess but ahhhhhhhhh!! but again maybe i'm just hypothesizing here cause woh natuanki bhi bohut kartha hai :S hmmm...heheh but see i can't let this go entirely :) cause it is cool...so my decison has been to come back to this once in a while...when i want to broadcast to the entire world...but for those deep sweet and naughty thoughts....well those are just better kept to oneself :) but i'm still going to share them...not with u all...just one person..made up and email account...and i write to my hypothetical future someone ;)...yes yes kinda lame but huh mind ur own business :p hehehe it really helps...when i need to cry...its odd..that the only time you need someone to talk to is when ur hurt...when ur happy time just flies...so my advice for today...a friend is someone who knows all the pain u've been through...and can place each tear of urs to each word of urs :)

:D

hey hey mere bachaye ...hehe just kidding :)

hmm went for this lovely walk yesterday with aunty through this forest.Have to say that place is lovely..one could just get lost in it.
Everytime i pass through that place to go somewhere...usually on the way to the clinic...i usually tend to sing or humm this...

"jungloun main bhi
raastay to hain
chalo to sahi
chalo to sahi"

hahaha the last "sahi" me misspelled for a sec...wrote ashi ;) doesn't mean anything or does it???

Was feeling all great yesterday had soo much to share...but i let the moment pass...shouldn't have as these moments come for such a short while...and this is the time when they reflect who we are...what we hope for..what we fear...next time I'll be more careful :)

Dil ki baat har roz nahi athi zuban par...jub aye shouldn't let it go.

Was kinda confused and irritated about something...but then thought why bother thinking deeper into it...its not like anythings gonna change because of it. See a few months back I got the oddest of compliments..at least I think thats what it was ...someone said.."aisha u'll make a great wife"...what is that supposed to mean!!! I respect it entirely and totally but just don't know what one would be thinking to say that :S..what brought this back is cause on friday someone else said the same thing!! It was like bhaiya whose like me his little kid and all hes like you know what aashi ...u gonna be a perfect wife...TWO people say the same thing...don't even wana bother thinking deeply about it...maybe it just means they think I'm caring and all...but then these are the same people who think I'm the biggest bachi ever ...hmmm ...kinda odd...well thanks for the compliments...they did make me feel good :) and anyone who can give another one instant of happiness is a great person...in my eyes :)

I'm 20 years and one day old today :D

Wohooo don't feel much older though but thats expected :) Now as they say some wisdom does come and have to admit that its true. So how much wiser have I gotten...on a scale of one to ten lets say a point 5 :)

Lesson number one: When doing anything in the middle of the night...choroun ki tarha karo ;) hahaha otherwise wohoooo are you gonna have to put up an oscar performance infront of your mommy and nowadays ammis are just sooo hard to convince :p

That was a big eyeopener have to admit that :) oyeeeeeee my first kiss :D

The day i was 20 yrs and one day old I got my frist kiss from a guy who was not related to me by blood in any way at all :D
hmmm how would I describe it...enchanting...sweet...lovely...addictive!!! hahaha...the lucky guys name was sharique ;)
He had pissed me off a bit and I turned to go home and he comes upto me...pulls me down and gives me a smooch on the cheek :D hahah it was the sweetest thing ever :) A smooch is called a muchkoo in farsi ;) Oh in case I forgot to mention it my little kissing friend is four years old :)

:) i'm back after a long time won't happen again...just that i guess life actually got interesting to some extent hehe nah just kidding...i was just too lazy to come which was extremely wrong of me because this is me. Hmm well i can't promise anything cause i tend to break them soo often *smacking my head* but i'll try not to let myself go far from this :)

hmm the seasons changing again and lo and behold moi is sick again...my head is hurting and my face is all warm :( ahhh who left a window open....my feet :(...oh well gotta continue...hmm so uni closed a while back..i think i forgot to mention that last. Anyways so the highlight is that i'm sick!! Tomorow meri bachi ki birthday...and its outside...i hope i survive...hmm donno why but was in a really low mood today...it wasn't cause i went to the police station...i guess its just the fever doing it...so was listening to this song i absolutely adore..and thats why wala here it is for you all...it reflects my mood 100% right now :) love the band and the lead singer ain't that bad at all ;) hehehe...an intro to the song..."hum bhooley" ..it kinda means "we've forgotten" or we forget something around that its about the tough road of life...well the overall jist of it is about losing someone...lemme make it clear..i've lost no one...just felt like playing the song...okay i'm feeling extremely sick now :S so posting the song ...gonna right translation later on hopefully :)

::HUM BHOOLEY::
Noori



Dil merey rolay,
Kya kya tu boley,
Mein sun raha hun sada,
Kesay kahon main pather bohot hain,
Phoolon kay rastay jaa..
O saathi re..
Inn raahon ko tu jaan le,
Diya na baatee,
Sangee na saathi,
Koi nahi hey tera,
Kesay kahoon main pather bohot hain,
Phoolon key rastey jaa..o saathii re,
Inn raahon ko pehchaan le,
Hum bhuley , dunya bhuley,
Hum bikhrey , ab kya rona,
Beeti yaadon key saaye,
Ab hain parayey,
Iss chaa’on ko tu bhool ja..

tu bhool ja....see this is what i like...its like the guys telling you to forget everything...not possible...but hes trying to be sweet i guess :) cause memories do sometimes bring pain...haha what would a man do for a bonk on the head for a dose of amnesia :p heheh...well i can't argue...cause i don't wana forget anything ...pain, tears, sorrow actually make one strong...thats probably why we remember those more then we do those small moments of happiness :)

Zara Cheara tu Dehkao Aur Tora Sa Muskaro
Suni hai Ye Duniya Bari Suni hai

hello hello...i guess i am back...hmm today we had this really cool lab for psych.It was about the interpretation of dreams we also reviewed all the jungian and freudian theories.Something special may or may not happen because you should never put much belief in them. However we did this mock tarot card reading. I messed up twice cause had to make up a dream connecting them.Initially we think of a question we want to have answered really bad...my first one was what shall i become in life...because had been stressed over getting into med and all...I press enter and the three cards delievered are...the moon...a cup...a knife...i guess we can interpret it in many different ways...my three were that it is what i am destined to be as it is in my stars( taqdeer is what i like to call it :) )...secondly ...the cup made me think of the hours of coffee i would need as a doctor...and the knife looked very much like a scalpel :D....but then...hmm knife and cup equal housewife too :( ...well whatever it is...may i be content and close to Allah. I did it again this time the question was about marriage..how soon and happy or not...it was extremely coincidental...but up popped my destiny...a ring...a bride...earth...hmmm wonder what is meant to be :)

ahhhhhhhhh!! smack me the next time i say babies are cool *crying* *screaming*
no little cute thing is worth my getting hurt!! I don't think i'll ever make a good ammi ji anymore...this simple kid got me sooo aggitated...she was just too overactive and slipping through my hands like jello...and ohh my GOd kitna bolthi hai..no no not bolna...bus arghhharmhahrmmakarhramakahnaanannanaadgadgdg...oufff me tired!! And then trying to put her down and not fall of my chair i do just that...try to fall away from her so don't hurt her and get this horrible chot on my elbow..plus the chair falls on me
:(...it hurts :( ammmiiiiiiiii....mujhe meri ammi chahiyee!!


















awwww but i love her

:)
:)

hehehe...enough of the cute smiles already...just thought of going home right now running to our neighbors and grabbing their little baby girl. Just had a chem exam...went okay i guess was not to sure about one of the questions and ruined my 100% mood. Can't hand in my horrible essay cause i was supposed to type it up today but forgot my book at home where i'm gonna need the quotes from. So instead here i am telling you of how much i would love to go and play with that little goo goo munchkin!! babies...sometimes really feel like eating them up :p

Had the little baby over one day.Went to auntys place and just said can i have Zarneeshaun...shes like sure...lemme go find where she crawled off to first. She brought her ... I extended my hands...she gave me a big smile and fell right into them...hmm maybe i like her soo much cause shes soo sweet...never hurts any ones feelings :)

Looks at me and then does the cutest little billi face...awww meoow!!

The most comforting feeling in the world has to be a kid falling asleep in ur arms :)
Her head in the little spot on my neck...her arms wrapped around me...my arm under her little pampered bum... babies are adorable :)

I feel sorry for all those that have never experienced this. I truly do.

In a very very bad mood right now ... very very bad!!

Noticed that whenever one of these comes up my stomach hurts bad too. Emotions guiding ur body...does make sense at times!
Feel like kneeling over and just squeezing myself into a ball with the least contact from the outside world...so i can tolerate and control the pain inside somehow...wish i was a porcupine...no cancel that...sometimes the oddest wishes come true...don't wana waste a wish on something so ridiculous...what i really want is for this pain in the pit of my stomach to go away...and then to clear my mental anguish really want to ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnn...soo hard that my legs give out ...that will help...but i can't its night time and cold and i fear the dark and strangers...i wish...i wish...i wish i had courage.

Eid came and went but still wanted to wish everyone a very happy eid :)
I really like poems nowadays heres one in urdu by Parveen Shakir a great pakistani poetess who passed away a few years back.

Paishkash

itne achaye mausam main
roothna acha nahi
haar jeet ki baatain
kal par hum uta rakhain
aaj dosti kar lain :)

Heres something really sweet...a poem a friend of mine wrote... wish someone someday writes me poems to ;) hehehe!!
hmmm ...never titled so lets just call words on her :)

I look deep inside
and there resides
a beauty I never knew
beauty that can't be described by words
and can only be seen by few
the warmth and compassion you possess
is so rarely heard of or seen
unless it is acted out or seen
in fiction, fantasy or dream
but the love i feel from you
is so genuine, pure and true
looking deep insde your gorgeous brown eyes
this beauty I see is in you.
GB

Sweet isn't it :D Its really wonderful since it was written on spot on a napkin.

Been real sick lately :(

Its real hard to concentrate on anything when ur face is burning up..ur eyes are constantly watering...and ur nose is just not well.

Accounting exam yesterday was torture just to sit through. PLEASE people do not smoke you guys all stink forever and ever and truly that is not goood!!! The guy behind me must have been a smoker for a while cause this aura of smokiness ( i do not mean that in a good way) was about him and i was dying!!!

Well just one more to go now on friday so wish me luck :)

I hate being sick.
I wish someone would take care of me :(

I just found out...i have a slight glucose tolerance problem.

Why does it make me cry? I thought about it for a while and then it hit me...its a phrase used for separation...thats why...cause i can't bear being separated.

"khush raho...i just want you to be happy always...Allah hamesha tumhain khush rakhaye"

These have to be the sweetest words that can ever be spoken. They are prayers for ones happiness...mager inmain itna pyaar aur dukh isliye hai kyoun keh jub bhi main sochti houn inke baraye main I visualize a picture. A picture of a father bidding farewell to his daughter as she heads off to her husbands home....and thats enough for me to start weeping for no reason at all. The context does not matter...be it somenoe my age or somenoe older to say it to me...I just feel as if thats what they're doing...saying farewell.

Here is something really sweet which encompasses all I have ever had to say to people...people who don't understand what i try to say :) hopefully these words will be better understood then mine ever have.

Never say I love you
if you don't really care
Never talk about feelings
if they aren't really there
Never hold my hand
if you are going to break my heart
Never say you are going to
if you don't plan to start
Never look into my eyes
if all you do is lie
Never say hello
if you really mean good bye
If you really mean forever
then say you will try
Never say forever
cause forever make me cry


The beauty behind it is that it defines not love but friendship .... true friendship which i believe to have a status much higher and a feeling much deeper then love ever can. That is what I think and believe and only experience shall change that.

Sometimes you just feel like the world is falling in on you....theres no room for you to escape too...but a worse feeling is when ur insides are collapsing and you seem to loose all strength ...you can't even reach up and hold on to that last arm reaching out to help you.

I need to concentrate more on my studies now...have to totally fix up my priorities. First I will try to be a better muslim...be more regular with my prayers..recite at least one ruqo of the Quran each day and before going to bed each day think of what I have accomplished. Secondly my studies have to improve...I cannot be a disappointment to my abbu je...he has high hopes for me and i will live up to them inshAllah.

The only way to get rid of these feeling of internal melting is by taking control...hardening my exterior to rebuild myself...may Allah give me support in my journey. ameen.

awwwwwwwww!!

hmmmm this has to be heavan :) a warm warm room no pareshani (worries) snowing outside and a wonderfully delicious chocolate covered ice cream!!

heheheh me greedy now ...going for a second one ;)

Anger.
It has to be one of the worst emotions ever. It puts you on fire and this fire engulfs others too.Others may get hurt in the worst ways ever when one is angry. phir kyoun hota hai aisay? why do we let it get to us..why not just calm down and talk peacefully? Anger is my worst trait. I thank GOD that till yet i have not lost any friends due to this...but it hurts...it hurts real bad :(

After one burst of anger and hatred and unmercifullness i am calm again and then i think...what did i just do!! How can i be soo cruel...someday its going to get to someone and theyre gonna turn away and just never turn back...I pray to Allah that that day never comes...plz lemme control my anger...plz let them know that i don't mean it.

I wish to be able to just keep it inside and then when it becomes too much to go and just cry it all out :)

To all those who i care for and love...please forgive me.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

din wich teri yaad saathawee
raataun noun neend na awaye
your memories torture me in the day
sleep evades me in the nights

Sometimes you just have to scream to get all the stuff out of ur system...a kinda posion you could say :)
I'm not going to bother with any introductions ...don't ask why...i'm just not going to bother.

Today i'm real depressed...why is it that people come into our lives sometimes for the littlest of moments...and then just walk away ..you turn ur back one second and then next ur all alone. Why do we end up attaching the most importance the most emotional energy on people that are just never going to be there with you...why can't we tell who is going to be there always and who is not..and sometimes why even knowing the difference do we still choose the wrong person..make the wrong decision. If anyone actually found a perfect answer for this it would totally ruin life...because though its one we wish sooo hard to answer it is also the one which we wish to hold back on... if i knew i would be in pain i wouldn't venture down that dangerous but extremely beautiful path..I wouldn't feel that slight bittersweet pain..i wouldn't grow up...and i wouldn't make the same mistake over and over and over again.

hmmmm..it starts :) and quite fitting it is indeed that its new years!!
my new years resolution: to fill this up withlots thoughts and to give it an aura of me!