Time to leave

"The Mile:

People come into our lives and walk with us a mile,

and then because of circumstance they only stay a while.

They serve a need within the days that move so quickly by,

and then are gone beyond our reach, we often wonder why.

God only knows the reason that we meet and share a smile,

why people come into our lives and walk with us a mile."

ki jana main kaun...might be back somewhere else :)

O Allah, keep me alive as long as there is goodness in life for me

and bring death to me when there is goodness in death for me.

O' Allah show me the goodness in life so I do not crave for you to rid me of my thoughts...of my conscious of my breaths. Direct me towards the light...keep me from shivering in the dark and cold on my own. Ya Rab enliven my heart soothe my mind and give me hope....give me umeed..

I'm sinking...

Every minute becomes difficult...still waters run deep...others say oh you look so calm..not true...if only someone would try to look within my mind..soul..its in constant motion..constant thoughts..tears...

Days go by months pass...its true...your past has an affect on you..everything someday comes into play...if only :)...was it time wasted...was there no achievement of any kind..it fears me to draw a conclusion...but ....there is no feedback..if it had been well spent wouldn't its actions its thoughts still linger...but its a locked door...locked and bolted...no chance of escape from it or entrance into it.

Its hard to swallow. I should make it the last goodbye...must move on...must hold onto a solid hand..one whose warmt can give me courage..one who can pull me out...be able to support me...the hand of the present reality.

I shall face my fears...I shall wake up!

khamoshi ko rehnay do khamosh...khawaboun ko raatoun tuk choro..

aik naya junoon hai...the first time I heard this poem was in a two episode play. If I could give credit to the poet I would...but all i know for sure is kay yeh nazm mujhe jakar rahi hai.

Farz karo hum ahlay wafa hon,Farz karo deewanay hon,
Farz karo yeh dono batien jhooti hon,afsanay hon,

Farz karo yeh ji ki bipta,ji say jhoot sunayee ho,
Farz karo abhi or ho itni,adhi hum nay chuppayee ho,

Farz karo tumhien khush karnay kay dhonday hum nay bahanay hon,
Farz karo yeh nain tumharay sach much kay maykhanay hon,

Farz karo kay yeh rog ho jhota,jhoti preet humari ho,
Farz karo is preet kay rog mien sans bhi hum par bhari ho,

Farz karo yeh jog ka hum nay dhong rachaya ho,
Farz karo bas yeh hi haqeeqat baqi sub kuch maya ho

I'm lost in it. It talks of truths of illusions. The way it tells you to believe something and then the next instant says now know that all that you know is false...abhi or ho itni...adhi humnay chuppayee ho.. The poem itself seems so light so intangible. Like your flying but not really flying..trying to be free for that one instant and yet touching the ground in the next. Its that hesitant feeling one has...jaisay nazer ki jhalak say bahir lagaye koi dekh raha hai mager na ho...aur ager ho tou ghum jaye.

Ghoom chukay is basti main
ek aas ki phaas liye mun main :)

ibn-e-insha. I remembered.

pani bhi aag bun jata hai
all you need is enough energy :)

hmmm...I sprained my finger a month back and today I twisted my ankle...both occured while I was asleep...karvat karvat raat dhalaye. I donno how I manage to hurt myself even in the most sedated of states :S

abb zehan main nahi hai

par naam tha bhala sa

The weather, the time.
 
I feel like being in love. I swear I have not had any chocolate, but I just feel like being in love.
*dreamy* Why is it that when you want something soo bad it doesn't just happen...and you think when you least want these things they stand right in front of you :(. Wish love was spontaneous you wanted it and it was there for you to grab.
 
I want to fall in love.

We had a thunderstrom yesterday. I sleep with my windown open and I heard the lightening and the heavey rainfull not only from the window but from the roof as well. IT was gorgeousss :D I woke up and opened the blinds all the way and just stood there watchign it and feeling it. What i would have done to go out, it was ever soo sweet because I was still half asleep.

pstttt ;)..I don' know if its just me but I realize that the last post was in this entirely different mode of writing..hahaha...I guess I've been reading too much of jane austen and the bronte sisters...oh well...that shall just be considered as a part of everchanging life...dunya keh rangoun main rangna...one day I shall bring my own self out :)

:)

Theres just too much to write about. But arghh how it irritates me that when you end up on a happy note all those sad memories fade away so that I cannot do more justice too them. I believe I had been upset about the behaviour of others towards me. Not just any others but my loved ones....hmmm...I vaguely recall having been disturbed about how when I tried for the first time to show my affection more openly I get laughed at. I just don't remember it anymore...sighs...I could have told a tale to make you all weep and want to give me a hug...but oh well...phir kabhi bata dena how much you love me :p

Secondly I finally understand why I cannot drive. I am a dreamer. Theres no changing that at all. You see no matter what I shall do I won't be able to stop my mind from growing from pondering over ideas at all times. This hit me when I did the mechanical motion of lookign right and left to watch out for pedestirans and realized...my brain was elsewhere :S. You have to admit though because I for sure know that all those "artsy" and philosophical people, the writers and the dreamers you see them on foot or on the bus or in that road side cafe. They know for sure that if they attempt to control a vehicle and a beautifule inspiraiton coems to them they shall definitely due harm :p. So I say it agian!! I am a dreamer...and thus I cannot operate a car where not only the life of my passengers but those of the other drivers might be in danger....hmmm...it being summer I did see one guy on a motorbike..small pact..sturdy...i might just try it out :p

heheh...yesss I'm finally in a great mood again. I DID IT!! I got my nose pierced :p haha...its not that big of a deal my being brown its a sign of culture and not revolt. IT HURT! I know the size of my tears which i cry when being emotionally drained but oufff...itnay baray aanso...yeh tou such main dard keh thay!!

It looks oooo soo sesky. Thing is my nose is small and round and it looks cute. I wanted a black stud but my mom said no and so theres a clear zirconium shining on me nose ;) see if you can catch it sparkle on you some day :)

The cold is back :). Don't know why but just love it.Sitting inside feeling the chill from the outside...finding warmth inside...reading...and ofcourse dreaming :)...funny how after big crashes the dreams get more unrealistic. It helps though...because when you think of thoughts that are close to reality you might wish for them to come true..but hey when you dream of something which you know for sure is sooo not happening...u don't put ur hopes into it. Back to the normal self again. Happy to be back at last :). A change of location is probably what brought this about. The big windows let me see into the big blue sky full of yummy fluffy white clouds...wonder how it would feel to fall through one...hehe. The difference is the presence of the railway. Late at night you hear a train go by :) taka taka taka taka ...chochooooo :p...brings back to thoughts my all time fav movie....ussay kaho kabhi samne tou ayeeeee :) hmmmhmmmmmm mhmhmmmmm...andekha anjana.

I've been frequenting religious forums lately and have learned some of the best things there are. They're not about the exact doctrines that one must obey but just simple morality and differentiating between right and wrong...good and bad. We were talking of the existence of GOD and the ever forwarded email of the good of GOd came up. What is evil but the absence of good. What is cold but a degree of heat. This sister made this beautiful point...and I just see myself in that role at the moment..
" A bird who resents air resistance ...yet it is the presence of that very atmosphere that even allows it to fly"

I can see the fight I have with my will to fly and the world pushing me back..but i do not realize that I am in flight. To gather speed and greater heights and the impatience and stubborness causing my disorientaiton.

"tou shaheen hai basera kar paharoun ki chitanoun par...
tere samne asmaan aur bhi hain...abhi ishq keh imtehaan aur bhi hain...haun aur bhi hain..

khudhi ko kar buland itna keh har taqdeer say pehle
khuda banday say khudh poochay...bataa teri raza kya hai"

kyoun banthe ho aashna
lambha bhar ko kabhi kabhi
jeena hai gar umar bhar
humain bun kar ajnabi :)

I don't believe I've ever been in such excrutiating pain before.

:*( May Allah forgive my sins.

Toufan aya hai. Pehli bar mere saath saath yeh atha jatha hai. bus 30 second ki baat thi and now its gone...mager its gonna come back. WOW..i love the weather. There goes my plan of solitutde by my lake. There goes everything..Happy Birthday to me :)..a new sun rises on my new year. May i truly see this year...ameen.

I burnt my thumb today. Its gonna leave a mark just like the papercut I got a month ago.

kya karoun main :) neeno athi hi nahi. Itni meethi hawa bahir ghoom rahi hai dil kartha jakar uskay saath ghooooomoun. Wana flyyy with the wind :D zara sa jhooooom loun mainn...haha. It truly is soo sweet. The scent of it and its beautiful tantalizing voice...i believe that if anything were wrong with me...in any moment of my sadness the three things that could make me feel all good again are to listen to the wind howling..to cuddle a little child..and to sleep in someones lap. You forget all your troubles and any pain your in. Funny thing is all these have such sweet smells. Today I felt like saying a wish to the winds. Wanted to whisper all me secrets to the wind and wanted it to blow alll around me and to take me wish to the heavens. You can wish on falling stars on birthday candles on dandelions :) why not make your wish to the winds. Mujhe urnaa haiiii.

You ever notice how sometimes when everything around you turns dim thats when you can see some things more clearly. The thought and image was beautiful in its own way. It was late yesterday night and I was lying on the love seat and I look at the wall opposite me and i see these three broad columns. The slight unshaded glass of the balconeys door was shedding light onto the wall and the once pure white light was spread into the spectrum of colours. I could make out a reddish band, yellow and a bluish band..the rest of the colours having blended into the wider red and blue bands. The lights turned on and the moment was gone...kind of like dreams. So bright and beautiful in their presence but when the lights go on only a dim but sweet memory remains. The silent and dark of the night is not only useful for casting dreams upon you..its also the time when you can listen to voices the noise of the day excludes from you. To your own thoughts...andheroun ki khamoshi main baatain. You should listen to your thoughts :) they sometimes tell you lots when there is no distraction around.

Baarish :)...achanak aur bohut taiz ho rahi hai...badal bhi garaj rahaye aur ager dekhoun tou kya pata bijli bhi chamakthi nazer aye. Aisi raat kaisay kaisay khawab lathi hai...Rab...kuch such wi vekha deh. Mor tou zindagi main bohut khushi ka bayas hote hain...do haseen rasthay jin par tum kadam rakh sakthe ho...main tou jungle main khoyi houn...naya rasta nikalnay ka dar hai...thori si roshni daal deh. Jaisay nayi kalioun ko baarish say jaan milthi...aik umeed milthi...thori si dekha deh...mager koi aisa rasta deh kuch aisa imtehaan deh jo main seh sakoun ...na us kali ki tarha jo taiz baarish aur hawa main jeenay ki cha main murjha jaye...ya Rab...sakoon deh...umeed deh.

Never thought it could happen to me. Anxiety over an exam gave me a fever. When was the day that I started worrying about exams...me ...worried about studies...sighs...before I get more sick should take medication.

:) I've got it. I had been thinking for while ..on and off ..for this, but now I believe I have a name that will be close to me. Will someday, inshAllah name my son Ehtesham. It means strength and that is what he will be...*muaa*

Why do I cry?

I thought I had grown stronger. I'm starting to dislike memories. My own happy moments of the past now grow to haunt me. why can't you give me peace?

April first...hmm kaun kiski aankhoun par pardha daal raha hai...shayad karne wala na jannay aur jisko ho woh bhi samjhay keh ussay sub nazer ata hai. Anyways...heres an old piece...wrote it during a "study time" at uni one day...donno if it still makes sense but there was thought and emotion in it so it deserves being posted.

True learning has to come through experience. Having lived in a world of afsanay seeing lives through the eyes of another could not have prepared me for this at all. Everything that everyone has said to me, every action of theirs that has affected me somehow and my mode of reply has all taught me something which no theoretical practice could have ever achieved.

Every experience is beautiful :)....Sherlock Holmes had always been intriguing but now thinking about it all he detected were affects on a person due to experience or their past. Everything leaves a mark..everything.

How would I have known what tears of loss felt like unless I had experienced it first hand. You have your own way of feeling "stuff" and reacting to it. Pain is weakness leaving the body. With a new scar on me comes the reminder and indentation of a lesson. You can never with anything not to happen because then you;ll always wonder what other way it could have gone.

Blindness. A lot of people are blind but the real blindness I figured out in genetics. It is not eyes which make you blind but the loss of the ability to interpret what your eyes see. He is blind not because his senses don;t work but because he himself also lives in his own world. Stimuli from the surroundings are not interpreted by him as he cares not of what goes on around. In his mind his own created stimuli cause sensory responses. Someone who is blind can also cut of his or her responses to the world in other ways and that is when experiences of the the world come to an end. That is when you are truly not alive...no more..


hmmm you know that seemed too harsh...I guess I wrote it on a tough day...hmmm

There were other things I had to detail but I just don't have them down or the energy to do so. It was raining today...sighss..romantic..maybe...makes you feel drowsy..very! I found my blood type today. Its AB+. Donno why but was disappointed. Why such a hmmm unhelpful type. From the way i want to do things the way i'm soo excited to be there for those in need, the one thing which most people need in emergency in the hospital is blood...ironically thats the one thing I can't give my all in. :( for those with a bit of bio from high school would know AB can only give to AB because it possess the antigen for both and if donated to anyone besides AB+ the blood of the reciever would coagulate because of the "unknown" cells found....hmm....so potentially mine going into someone else would kill em but anyone can give to save me. Why does everything not turn out as you expect it to :(

I saw him yesterday...i'm thinking its been a more then a month. Donno but just felt annoyed then brought back old memories of someone i guess...hehehe :p its just my little joke...but mosttt importantly :D i donated blood yesterday :) It felt great. I donno why they say people feel dizzy for a bit cause i was annoyed with them telling me to stay seated and not do any heavy lifting or strenous activity :) It was wonderful...i come home and am all excited and tell my mom about it and instead of getting al excited for me to I get dant big time...first off she doesn't believe me..says i really don't believe that u can do anything as stupid as that!! me like but whyyy shes like have u seen urself you hardly have any iron in your blood anyway and you just gave it away :p hehehe...but i donno it just felt good :) maybe someone out there is in real need of my blood :) i can never save a life...uski zindagi ko bachna hi tha...i am just a small peg in the wheel of life :)

hehe on the other totally removed side i learned another word ;) pichal pari :D hahahah it means a vampiress ;) muahahaha.



sochta houn uska dil
kabhi mujhe pai aye tou

jaan bhi ussay deh doun main
woh kissi tarha mujhe aazmayee tou :)

:) I have grown up. It might seem like nothing to many but for me it is a big step forward. I was raised in a very protective environment. The first time i found out that even girls are supposed to do their own stuff was when danjo bhai told mothi"khudh bhi kabhi apna kaam kar liay karo" before taht I had just assumed that if anything needed to be done outside the house it was all upto the daddy to do :)....hmmm but see daddy not here and aisha had to grow up...for various reasons.
After my volunteer shift i had to run to catch the 8:28 bus. I get to my stop and see theres a sign that says that the stop is inservicable and to take the bus from eglinton and entrance....hmmm now where exactly is eglinton...is it that big road i see...no no thats erin mills pkwy. Where do i go?? Had it been the old aisha she would have become all upset and run back and forth and called mommy and cried. However I went back in to ask someone where the intersection was...to the right or the left. The person didn;t seem to know that well and I had planed to walk to the mall that was abit away...and he said the same thing. THe walk was bitter cold. Today the wind was biting and my fingers were all numbed and my cheeks burned. Yet I walked on the sidewalk near the zooming cars in the dark :). I get to the mall and I see that my bus is not here yet. A taxi driver seems to be roaming the empty parking lot....and this of course creates uncertainty in the mind of any female all alone. That is when my second deciison of getting into the first bus heading in my direction came from. I get on the 13. Get off in the parking lot behind my place. Its brightly lit so decide that running across it won;t be of any danger to me ...and i get home :).
To many it may seem like a childish thought. But try being there all alone. Try not really knowing what goes where.Try walking with the wind biting ur hands and face. And try being a girl :). I have finally grown up. Made intelligent decisions. I can make it in this world :)

"younhi koi mil gaya tha
younhi koi mil gaya tha
surey raah chalte chalte
surey raah chalte chalte "

:) aisay hi tou koi miltha hai...

"insaanoun ki bher main aadmi akela hai :)"

How do I stop dreaming?

It all starts with mistakes. Mistakes that just happen...why?...because of the mind not taking control...because of emotions and other factors taking over that cause us to make rash decisions. insaan ghalthioun ka puthla hai. If we know this for a fact why can we not forgive some mistakes that people make. How about just not people how about our friends. Why did someone say if my friend goes on the wrong track i will let go of him...and in the end he will regret it and he'll know he was wrong. How dare someone call themselves a friend if they allow that to happen in the first place. True friendship is what I;ve always searched for. For that one person i could tell all my secrets....not just a few but everything...someone who wouldn;t judge me or look down upon me for any miscomings i might have. Does such a person exist? A soul friend? just that one person who knows all of you....hmmm...for now maybe not...tommorow...i pray for one :)...and yet others say no one can be ur friend...you have to be your own best friend...it gets very tiring..it truly does...I've been my own best friend for 20 some years. khair....:) its not a problem of the immediate kind. The mistake that hurts me is the one sukys parents made. A little child was born with an undeveloped oesophagus. For me the problem is oooo i want somethign that tastes goood to eat...i want chocolates...i want coke...i want burgers....and this little kid had nothing. That was not all :)...I guess suky had been a mistake...no...HE WAS NOT a mistake...his parents were the mistake...because he was meant to be in the world...at this time...it was just his parents...i don't know what happened or why...but i do know that a little family is not together. The last time i saw suky was on valentines day :) he was discharged soon after and I learn that he has moved in with a wonderul foster family. WHy?? How can parents be like that...sighss...circumstances...they make everyone forgive everyone...but what did suky ever do. His full name was sukhman....dil ki khushi :)...he truly is that in many ways...but i don't know...what will happen to him in foster homes...where will life lead him...may he always be happy whereever he is. Mistakes...I've made many mistakes...but I believe them to be forgivable...but i don't know if i ever will be given the forgivenes...if i ever will regain the friend. This mistake had to happen...the decision was upto him...there is nothign else in my hands...the cards are not mine to play anymore...but if such a mistake can cause someone to be so unforgiving ...to want to cut off everything...to not even cherish a friend...then i don't know who has the bigger loss...we all suffer in the end...the human mind...the human emotions...our actions...are values..our decisions. In the end its our decisions that determine everything. I pray that no one makes the wrong decisions in life...and if they do...if that wrong step is taken...hmmm...may it not harm anyone.

hmmm...if each unshed tear and every internal battle was physically visible passerbys would read an epic on me :)

hmmm...it was an odd dream yesterday night...but in some ways it was very nice. No sense of danger and no uncertainty of anything. Like when you don't necessarily know what direction comes next but you are sure of yourself in seeing it through. The confidence in yourself.

There was a point in it when I started talking to a friend about something amazing that was happening. It was nighttime and I had been looking out my window and I told of how I saw green leaves on the tops of the tree next to my window. Green leaves growing in the midst of piles of glitterying snow.

hmmm...it has to have a good meaning...to show something coming back to life in the middle of frost bite season...doesn't it? :)

achooooooo

Dhonnd...chahiyee hai dhoond..kuch nazer ayeee naa..

Things that pool has taught me about myself :

1) Only people who are not strong themselves in real life will wish to use full power at each shot in pool.

2) Some people will willingly sacrifice themselves at the present or even aid someone at the present to think of a win later on.

3) Some people do not look onto their next play but concentrate only on getting through the one they're on at the moment. They change everything and then look back upon the game to see the "new" way of things.

4) Some people in their haste knock important things out of the way :) i.e. the black ball is pocketed first..to early....you lose.


hmmmm...damn that soo fits me and they way i behave!!! grrr!!!

I am soo tired. Doubt arises again as to my survival. Naye thats putting it too harshly and thats too strong of a word. I am unsure of my comfort. My breathing is hastened because of an extremely fast heartbeat, and sometimes i can actually tell when my heart skips a beat, its the times I have to gasp as a breath is lost. Winter is really not cool. I was probably fooling myself when I said how lovely it is. How can it be lovely when it gives me soo much pain. Odd isn't it how you assume that you must like something and then circumstances come and you realize wait, thats not true , you had probably told yourself that I must like it , but you don't. I really don't like the winter, I really prefer other things but it comes soo late, the realization. Skipped a beat. It was painful today. Had on a shirt, jacket and a coat. Wore gloves and a hat. Yet the most vital parts of me were dying. My ears my face everythign was burning. Had to walk to the north and back carrying a heavy backpack and two bags of newly bought textbooks. Had to walk uphill to the north. I'm tired...and my hearts bugging me again. Why do i complain soo much? hahaha...who do I complain too! hmmm...I guess i'm really not well.