Unconditionality

It means absolute. In 2008 I learned the meaning of unconditionality. In 2009 I shall make sure my actions are based on it. It does not only refer to love, though love is one phenomenon in which this absoluteness should definitely be practiced. When doing anything unconditionally you take away the factor of regret, or doublemindedness. You put yourself on a path and say I want to walk it and I shall no matter what. When anything starts to go wrong you always think back to why you began this journey...what factors caused it to come into being...if the advent was because of a conditional treaty..a contract..you begin to doubt yourself and give up too early. A contract..a pact. You should not make one with humans. When it goes from sunny to cloudy...regret falls in...and people want to back out. Humans are strong...but just not enough.

Unconditionally..because thats what makes you happy. Loving someone should not be mouldable because of their feelings towards you...you would make a very confused person if that was the case. I want to change myself...their is no condition of what would people think..or if this happens then I don't need to change. It yet comes back to how strong you really are. Fly free stupid man...fly fREE if it is your will.

:) the day has come. Jub ankhain itni khush keh bara sa bara ghum bin aanso bahaye bayaan kar sakte hain. shukar Alhamdulilah..for the strength acceptance and peace :)

i am a mirror. I reflect all that is you. My eyes hold you and my heart beats at your command. If all you see in me is you....how can you ever want me..how can you love me? how do i find me. How do i hold onto her long enough to get to know her to mould her to understand her. How can I when all I become is you.

earth, water, air and fire...

of them all I have to be the air. I feel you i long to hold hands..yet all you do is escape me.

he spoke to me...as offlines..in my dream.

I've always asked Him to help me learn and enact patience. I have recently stepped onto the first ladder of it. To hear and not listen. Ofcourse solely used for things that do not matter. When she speaks of what that person did, or when he says how this happened, to hear but not listen. This mind is not made to hold empty words and useless banter. It's purpose is of a higher fulfillment. To listen to every word spoken and to store it and to analyze it is not just difficult but it leads towards paths which one does not wish to stray upon. So next time you speak ill of others...or you ramble on about things that have no point no purpose. I shall hear...but i shall not listen.

hmmm...needs bhi kaisi hoti hain. Usne jalayi aik cigarette..aur dil idher aarzo karne laga... for the bitter the smoke and the memories that come attached with it.

I think she knows...she must have found out. Isliye hi nazrain chuRa rahi hain. I'm surprised my hoarse voice and tired eyes did not give it away. I'm sure she has found out. But the pain is to raw to ever be shared. So this is what a silence can also mean. I pray she never brings it up. For I know I shall definitely break down then...and seeing myself weak at a moment like this will be too hard to bear. Ya Allah...give me strength. I give up myself to your command. Let me find the peace. Cleanse my sins...purify me.

Tea..I shall have a nice mug of tea :)

i saw your hum-shakal today. He seemed happy. I hope you are to.

and this is how you being to lose grasp on haqeeqat. Maybe a turning point in the soul body relationship. shayad yehi balance hota jo un logoun main kho jata jo apnaay aap say baatain karna shoro karte. It happens when you become just "I" not us and not a part of them...just I. It's when all you do is think..and your body cannot distinguish between the mind doing it...and a memory of its own. These hands do not remember writing it and this tongue does not remember speaking it. But the mind says 'yes you have'...at first you protest...you say no...i had thought of doing it..but i had not come about to it. And your mind says...u did..can you not remember the smell of that..the touch of that and the joy of that. It concocts lies...meshs memories together to form a new one. And slowly you begin to believe. 'why yes...I must have..' it worsens..and you begin to remember the others response. Yet when you meet...not a word passes of the interaction. You begin to stay silent..as your mind begins to speak more and more. But can it ever reach your heart? Can you make it believe what your mind says...no. But the heart...tis easily silenced. it sighs at your lies...but it stands by you...till one day...too burdened and too tired to go on it beats no more.

yeh jo baarish hai...
dooba deh gi mujhko
khushi main bhi aur ghumi main bhi
Chupke say cha jaati hai
majboor karti rehti hai
bheegaye baghair..mehsoos hoye baghair...jaati kahaun hai :)

aaa....aaa bhi ja :)

speak now....
call out to me. I can wait no longer...the moments are numbered.
this silence has become too heavy. before I sleep..
this burden I must lay...speak..say hello..

my eyes call out. this fear is choking. save me...
this mind shall self destruct...talk to me..tell me you exist.


let me free

thank you...
Thank you thank you! :)

sigh jaza kaAllah khair

Dunya main kabhi aisay logoun say ek pal ki mulaqat ho jati hai jo tumhari zindagi par bohut hi gheRa asar chor jate hain. Yeh baatain bohut cliche lagti hain mager aisa hota sub keh saath nahi hai. It happened to me :D. I've always dreamt of meeting with Hz. Khidr...to learn of things unknown...I would place this as a second best thing..I met an uncle a bhai from whom I learnt of what was within me!

This aam insaan...spoke to me :). My puzzled looks and troubled chehra did not deter him. He sensed my uncomfort and my hmmm...confusion and seemed to clarify that as well. I learnt from him of the Power that is within me. I can change people...I can guide people.

Kitnay saaloun say khudh ko badalne ki koshish ki...mager kuch hamesha hota jo taal deta. Dunya main lag jate. But what he said made me realize that a person will sacrifice much for those he loves. I am a cat...but for them I shall roar. I shall protect them...guide them..and in doing so maybe I shall find my own person. Aik waqt hoga jub subko apni hi pari hogi...woh waqt abhi nahi hai. I never realized that helping to mold something...someone..I myself as the potter shall be changed. I am strong....inshaAllah..ab har din meray ander say aik naya zaaviya nikalaye ga..aik nayi nazer..

Shukriya...go train walaye bhai.

... mold me

Sometimes I feel like cinderella or maybe a bird, a fish?? a bird that can swim hehe a penguin then :D

Like cinderealla I leave things behind. A glove here a shawl there and phone way over there. For some reason I cannot hold onto things. I leave trail of ME behind wherever I go. Maybe subconsciously to have people realize the absence of my presence or to recall my footsteps. But moreso because I cannot hold on to things. (It's the thoughts that never leave) Parinday ki tarha azaad machli ki tarha swift and smooth...shayad zindagi ki raftaar main bhooj na chahti houn. Shayad jub main hi houn...bus main...tou khudh ko pehchaan sakoun. Jub dosroun ki parchayain na houn...jub dunya ki rangeenain na houn. Bus main aur yeh saansain...aur Woh.

Aisay jaisay koi nayi dulhan choorian kangan haar teeka...ghoonghat.. sub kuch utarte bhaagti ja rahi ho...Teri deewani baanaye hoye.

Ammi just calls it carelessness and forgetfullness. Shayad yehi ho...shayad kuch aur?